Tears of sadness and confusion on the faces of my mourners would break my heart if I weren’t already dead. My urn sits under a warm light as it holds my ashes. I always knew I wanted to leave this Earth the same way as I had lived it…freely. I didn’t want to be bound under society's feet for the rest of eternity. Trapped with no way to get out once they found out my truth. The tears of confusion from my mourners trying to understand what caused my death at the tender age of 30. It wasn’t suicide, homicide, or even bad health. I didn’t have any enemies nor did I have any drinking or drug habits.
It was a freak accident. A literal freak accident. What my peers didn’t know about me was my addiction to sexual kinks. My two favorites happened to be excessive choking and plush love. Meaning I am into a light form of BDSM and stuff animal things. During a night of heated sex, I dressed up as a teddy bear. I took it a step too far. I cut the head off of a large bear and cut holes in the legs, arms, hands, and feet. I wanted to be the teddy bear as well as be inside of it. I cut another hole for my manly nature to come through. This way I was able to handle business and still feel the soft stuffing rubbing against me.
As things got heated, I told my partner to tie a belt around my neck. I told her to pull it as tight as she possibly could. The tighter she pulled the bigger the climax would be for the both of us. She pulled and pulled and pulled until I saw this bright white light. I thought it was me having the biggest orgasm of my life. I was excited but also disappointed. I didn’t want to experience such a huge relief at only thirty years old. What I didn’t realize was that the light was getting brighter and brighter. I couldn’t hear or see anything else that was around me. All of a sudden everything went dark…I am dead. I had died.
As I look out at the faces of my family and friends, I realize this death is what’s best for all of us. I’m aware that it’s taken you all by surprise, but I had to share my truth. I had to share it so that once I bury them no one can dig them up. No one will have the chance to throw it back in my face. That is why I decided on the ashes. I may stand in front of you all alive today, but just know that I have died twice. Once during my outlandish sexual desires and now in front of your very eyes. I no longer wish to die. I no longer want to be consumed and taken out by my desires. I want to continue living a healthy life. No addictions of any sort. Today I burn my addiction to sex.